Here in NC spring has sprung, and it won’t be long before until we have many new and exotic creatures roaming campus. Next year I will be working for Davidson’s
residence life office as a Freshman Hall Counselor, and I couldn’t be more
excited to help advise the next generationg of Davidson students. Tonight I had to
help the residence life office with the housing lottery process, and I watched as the eager students turned into
hungry hyenas fighting for the ultimate prize: the best dorm dwelling in the great
rainforest canopy. This may seem trivial to mere savannah dwellers, but here within
the jungle, housing lottery is no laughing matter. Dear incoming Freshman, you enter wild, wild territory
you know not yet how to navigate, but never fear – I will do my best to help
you face whatever you might encounter along your
journey. Let me begin by tell you a
little about all the startling creatures that
roam this brick and mortar wilderness in the spring.
Creature #1 - The Prospie: During your first spring at Davidson, you
will most likely encounter a certain breed of innocent young creatures roaming
about, still sheltered from the jungle elements. They can usually be spotted traveling in
packs, carrying white peachy folders, lead by a fearless scout who is most
excellent at navigating the jungle and very adept in walking backwards. These small, harmless creatures have spent
much of their time trekking through various forests in order to find to most
suitable region in which to settle and learn the jungle ways. Additional ways
to identify prospies: enchanted and/or disoriented facial expressions, a desire
to impress all current jungle dwellers, and general declarations of wonder.
Creature #2 – The Professor:
These formidable but quirky creatures rule the brick jungle. They most often dwell within their caves of
academia, but are known to emerge for brief periods between 8:30 and 4:30pm to
enlighten young jungle creatures with their revelations from the caves. These kings of the jungle come in many forms:
some are quite aware of their jungle prowess and have well-formed God-complexes
to show for it: others will chat with
you for hours and invite you to their caves for tea. They are distinguished, wise, and generally
well-meaning critters, though I wonder sometimes if they still know what life
is like down on the forest floor. In the
words of my roommate, “I feel like professors were real people once...”
Creature #3 – The Frat Boy:
This peculiar animal forms unusually tight bonds within its pack. During the spring, the older members have
complete command of those just accepted to the pack, frequently referred to
“pledges,” and upperclassmen send said pledges on missions entirely for their
own benefit. Pledges must endure
laundry, errands, and other unknown-and-most-likely-questionable activities,
all for the sake of devoting themselves to their pack. Pledges can often be spotted wearing coats,
ties and pack identification pins while intoxicated at inopportune times of the
day. The species of frat boy native to
the East coast is fond of an unusual color pallete: in the spring they emerge wearing
pastel slacks of countless colors: pink, baby blue, lime green, white, sunny
yellow, complete with a pastel button down shirt and a whale-covered bow
tie. Easter Bunny impersonators, you
say? Not quite, but many have mistaken
them for such.
Creature #5 – The
inchworm: This tiny green creature is a friend to some but a foe to
many. These sly little bugs hide in the
trees, and upon spotting an innocent student to ambush, discretely lower
themselves from the branches and land in hair, on shoulders, in backpacks,
etc. It’s not uncommon to be sitting in
class and see a little green monster menacingly creeping across your
classmate’s scalp. Beware - they will
find you when you least expect it…
Creature #6 – The
“frolicker”: This creature is
probably by far the most startling of Davidson’s spring fauna. During a certain weekend at the end of each
spring semester, a strange plague overcomes a large portion of the student
body, turning them into animals the likes of which we have never seen
before. After much speculation, it is
suspected that this plague is induced by particular psychoactive beverage
popular among college students of this age, but further investigation must be
done to truly reveal the nature of the frolicker. Frolickers are often spotted wearing tank
tops and sunglasses, stumbling over their own feet, happily screaming and
yelling in sight of their friends, and rejoicing in the free food, live music,
bounce houses, water slides, and general festivities across campus. Students
that manage to avoid the frolics plague relax on the lawn and observe the
antics of their friends in detail so they can remind them of all the funny
things they did the next day.
Creature #7 – The
finals bookworm: Once the jungle creatures have recovered from the frolics
plague, they begin the great migration to the cave of caves: the Library. The finals bookworm spends two weeks on
average locked away in various corridors surrounded by textbooks, notes,
highlighters ,and flashcards as they prepare for their final battle before
returning to the promise land. In this
battle they must face the most terrifying of beasts: self scheduled exams,
take-home tests, term papers, and even oral exams. This is a battle no student can avoid, and
after fighting valiantly, the lush green pastures of summer await on the other
side.
Dear
freshman, never fear - as you begin your Davidson adventure, you’ll be learning
the ropes of the jungle before you know it.
Perhaps you’ll provide me with more field data to add to my guide, or maybe
I’ll discover an entirely new species among you. Either
way, the glories of our brick and mortar jungle are bound to help you grow into
a creature well prepared to handle many challenges of thevast, wild plains of life.
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